Fig Newtons, You Disgust Me

Fig Newtons, I thought we were bros, or at least friendly acquaintances. I thought that maybe, just maybe, you were different from all the other cookies. I thought you were cool.

Ingredient List for Nabisco Fig Newtons (which I found here): ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], FOLIC ACID), FIGS PRESERVED WITH SULFUR DIOXIDE, CORN SYRUP, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, SUGAR, SOYBEAN OIL, WHEY (FROM MILK), PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED COTTONSEED OIL, SALT, BAKING SODA, CALCIUM LACTATE, MALIC ACID, SOY LECITHIN (EMULSIFIER), POTASSIUM SORBATE ADDED TO PRESERVE FRESHNESS, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR.

Et tu, Newton?

Where’s the whole wheat? The wholesome flavors? Are you guys actively trying to see how many different forms of corn syrup you can put into one cookie? Oh man, and hydrogenated AND normal oil, you are aiming for quality right there, Nabisco. And you even threw in some sulfer dioxide with my figs, that was thoughtful.

Ew. Gross. No.

You were my favorite cookie fruit and cake growing up! I could eat a package of you in one sitting, which actually says a lot more about me than it does you, and all you did was poison my tiny body with your “ingredients.” You make me sick.

Fig Newtons, I’m breaking up with you.

I decided to come up with my OWN fruit and cake, one that contained actual…fruit and cake. They are moist, a bit chewy, sweet and yummy, all while being sugar free and completely vegan. Feel free to cheap out and swap honey for the molasses and prunes, raisins, dates or chopped apples (apple newtons!) for the figs, if you need to. You could use mini muffin trays and cut the figs in half, making twenty four “cookie” sized cakes if you want (which I’d have rather done, but alas, no tiny muffin trays in this house), or use mashed banana instead of applesauce. What matters is, these are real, accessible ingredients that don’t cost too terribly much and were meant for human consumption, not some factory crap with three different forms of sugar in the ingredient list. Also, not having a whole box of cookies makes you far less inclined to eat a whole box of cookies. This is a completely win-win recipe.

And so, without further ado, I present to you…

“Actual Fruit with Realistic Cake” Cakes
Ingredients
1 cup rolled oats
1 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup molasses
1/2 cup non dairy milk (or dairy if you have to, but I’m gonna recommend unsweetened almond milk to keep the calories down)
1 tsp vanilla
Sugar or sweetener of choice, to taste (I didn’t use any, but you can if you need to)
12 dried figs, stems removed if necessary

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease a muffin tray.

The first thing you’re going to have to do is make oat flour. You’re going to need a food processor or blender for this (some hard core bakers are going to yell at me for the blender suggestion, but my food processor sucks anyway, so it’s not like I came out with any better an oat flour than you probably will). You’ll want to give it a go round in either of these devices until it looks a little like this: Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App
But if you have a good food processor, you’ll probably have a more “flour” like consistency. (For those food processor-less, it’s no biggie really. You can either buy oat flour OR just use whole wheat flour. It won’t taste quite the same, but whatever. I have suspicions that cornmeal would have been a good idea too, but I’m a bit gun shy about corn ever since watching “Food Inc”) Pour your new “flour” into a bowl. Add the rest of the dry ingredients and mix well.

Next, combine all the wet ingredients, including whatever sweetener you want (maple syrup is always a good option, but again, I didn’t use any and I think they tasted great) in their own bowl. It will look especially appetizing. Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App
But once it’s blended together, it should be less vomit inducing.

Combine the wet ingredients with the dry and have your fabulous, well dressed helper mix until just combined. Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App
If you’re wondering why she’s looking a little rough, it’s because she has a terrible cold. Have no fear readers, because no snot ended up in the batter…that I’m aware of.

Next, take your figs and add one fig to each muffin cup. Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

Spoon some batter into each cup over the figs. Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

Bake for about 15 minutes. They should be firm and pulling from the tray a bit. Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

Get really excited and throw caution to the wind, immediately grabbing a steaming hot cake and nearly getting a second degree burn eating it Cool completely before serving.

Share with a friend. Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App
Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App
Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

I think she approves. 🙂

In five seconds, she’s totally gonna sneeze some fig on those princess dolls.

Ewwwwwwwww.

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One response »

  1. Pingback: Money Saving Monday–You Need to Buy a Lunch Box « Crunchy, Hip, and Painfully Broke

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